Sleep

Sleep has been and still is and probably will be quite an issue in my life for some time to come.

I strongly believe that a long-term lack of sleep and a deeply disturbed sleeping pattern have contributed to my auto-immune issues. While I sleep more and better now (most nights) than a few years ago, because my daughter is growing older and sleeping more and better too, I am still periodically sleep deprived.

This is one of these times. I have been waking at 5 am every morning (weekend included) for about a week now. It may last a while longer. It happened last year, too. I must have been ahen in a former life... Unfortunately, unlike the hens, I can't afford going to bed at 8 pm most of the time.

Result: I have been schlepping myself through the days, yawning and nursing a migraine or overwhelming nausea for days now. It's a cycle. I will crash one of these days, if I build up enough exhaustion. But after one good night of deep sleep, I will be back in the 5-hours-a-night cycle for another 10 days or so. I have tried all the tricks in the book and the only one which gives some results some of the time is to exhaust myself physically. It doesn't work every time though and since this "technique" depends on time (to exercise) and muscular strength (to continue exercising for more than 10 minutes, LOL)..., it is not always possible to rely on it.

My mom says that as a child, I used to need a lot of sleep and even asked for "permission" to go to bed at night. I still feel like this. I feel like going to bed at the same time as my daughter at night, but there's always a school bag to be emptied, dishes to be washed, a shower to be taken, clothes to be laid out for the next day, etc etc...

Maybe things will be a bit better when I'm off work and the pressure of having to get into town int he morning is gone. But I doubt it. I wake at 5 during the summer. All I can do is go to bed at 9... and who wants to do that on a summer night, light shining through the curtains, sounds of people still enjoying their patios drifting through the windows...

And even during the summer months, napping is not for me. I have never been able to sleep during the day, except when severely ill. I spent many months at home while pregnant and later, while nursing. No naps. I would try and darken the room and block out any outside sounds but my internal clock would refuse to switch off the "daytime" mode. Hormones, no doubt.

That's about the only comfort I have these days: I am able now to blame it all on hormones. Everything that happens to my body can be attributed to hormones. Like sitting here typing in a sleeveless top on a chilly, overcast day... and knowing I will wake again at 5, tomorrow.