In sickness and in health

... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health while we both shall live...

What if we weren't making this vow to someone else but to ourselves ?

After all, we do have to spend all of our life in the same "physical vehicle" and this vehicle may not always be compliant or comfortable to live in. We have to live with ourselves, first of all. And yet... we don't seem to love, cherish or even tolerate ourselves nearly as much (or with as much conviction) as we would a companion.

I have been thinking about this a lot since it is now almost exactly 2 years ago that I was diagnosed with Sjögrens syndrome, an auto-immune illness which in my case has fortunately been quite mild in it's expression, so far.

For starters, I had a rather hard time accepting that my body wasn't doing exactly what it's supposed to do, and that it would probably never do so again. It is hard to accept a chronic illness, even if you know it's not fatal. It's even harder to accept a chronic illness that can't be explained, cured or even relieved. There are some drugs that may bring symptomatic relief for Sjögrens, but they don't work for everyone and most of them have nasty side effects. My case is not debilitating enough for doctors to recommend medication so far.

When, once I got used to the idea of having this condition, I started thinking about the possible causes for this ailment, I had to admit that there's probably a whole mindset involved. This is hard to accept too, somehow, because it involves (unconscious) responsibility. It's pretty hard to say "I have this condition because I deep down I hate myself so much that I am telling my immune system to destroy my own body" ! But that's what it boils down to. Auto-immune reactions are a form of self destruction. Quite often, auto-immune patients are perfectionists, who are eternally dissatisfied with themselves for not living up to their own, unrealistic standards. From pondering, I understood that the violent self loathing I sometimes felt must have been one of the triggers of my illness.

I have since been trying, very gingerly, to alter my mindset in this area. It's not easy though.

Why can't we love ourselves ? Why can't we tenderly care for ourselves, in sickness and in health, as we would do for others in our lives without even thinking about it. Why is it so much easier to forgive a friend who blundered than to forgive ourselves ? I haven't found the answer to this question (yet) but I am searching, and I do have a few ideas... it's a pretty complex phenomenon though. Just as we see ourselves quite differently from how others see us where physical features are concerned, we evaluate our personalities in a much harsher way than others would. And I am quite sure that we would find it odd and misplaced to vow that we will love ourselves no matter what... but isn't this what we should be doing, if we want to stay healthy and balanced in life... Judging ourselves too harshly, every moment of every day, surely can't be productive.

Many people believe that love heals. I am going to do just that: Heal myself. Love myself.

Wish me luck !

PS-- The birthday party went well, very well. A positive start for a new, positive part of my life ?