Point of gravity

Reconnecting with a friend I hadn't seen in nearly 28 years today made me put into words a half-formed thought I'd had in my head for weeks now.

I don't know if this is true for most people, but I have definitely been rediscovering and redefining my "point of gravity" since I have entered my 5th decade (anyone not gifted in math, please note this means that I'm in my forties !).

Somewhere in-between our early twenties and our forties, just after discovering our core selves, we seem to get swept away by life itself, by events and adventures, action and drama... and I suppose for some people this goes on for the rest of their lives. But for me (and I suspect for many others too), there has been a point of return at some stage, a return to the core self. And I am discovering now that what I wanted and what I was at 18 wasn't so far off the mark at all... I thought for a while that it was nostalgia, wanting to return to the safe situation I was in back then... but it seems not.

Over the years I have had my hair cut and styled in various ways other people thought would suit me. I have worn high heels because I was told this was sexy, and I abandoned certain hobbies because they didn't fit into my trendy, fastpaced lifestyle. Having a child and turning 40 changed all that.

It did not change overnight, of course, but I find myself now growing out my hair, taking up knitting again, not caring what others think or say about me, and feeling much more centered for it. Of course I am not the same person I was at 18. And of course, there were things that never changed over the years (like preferring tea to coffee), but I can admit now that I am definitely a morning person and refuse an invitation to a late party because of this.

Having lived half a life (or more) definitely has the advantage that I can see through the window-dressing now and identify the things that have essential value for me. It's like the foundation of my personality has just been sandblasted...

Wisdom comes with the years I guess. I knew who I was back then, I ignored it for 20-some years, spent a lot of time and effort conforming myself to what was "expected" of me, but am now acknowledging my core personality in a fuller way than I ever have before. In a few years, when my daughter will have a life more of her own, I am definitely returning to art school to develop the skills I discovered at 18. And, who knows, maybe I will indeed write that novel, at last !

See you soon, my friend from "back when". We recognized each other immediately. No, we have not changed. We're becoming ourselves more fully than ever before, having added the richness of our experience to the core ! And I am determined to enjoy this richer "me" for at least another 20 years !

For those wondering what the picture at the top depicts... this is a park near to the place where I used to see my friend when we were "young" ! people who know Brussels might recognize it...